Reading Dorothy Day’s “Duty of Delight” yesterday inspired me to keep this journal of caregiving for Ruth and the spiritual struggles that accompany such caregiving. First, the practice entails giving oneself away kenosis, and practicing patience, which Catherine of Siena called “That royal virtue, that lovely virtue that is never scandalised or shaken or toppled by any contrary wind or by any diabolical temptation.” (Letters) All the challenging people, she says are “instruments of virtue and progress toward perfection” who help us acquire patience. I was absurdly pleased when Ruth said to me the other day that I was “very patient.”
I did lose it yesterday though, when after she had fallen in the hall in her effort to go to the bathroom by herself, and had to be dragged feet first back to the bed since I could not pick her up, she then she attempted to do it again. As if she had forgotten how challenging and frightening it was to try and get her up by our combined effort and strategy. I told her I realised she needed to be independent, but that she was being inconsiderate to do this to me again. Then I wondered if the dementia is beginning and whether she forgot that she had fallen and had to be dragged across the floor with a pillow under her head to keep it from banging with every step.
I prayed for forgiveness and fortitude, and had a rough night continually reminding myself to take refuge in the Lord, because by myself I am entirely powerless. And then I was rewarded this morning with the sight of her sitting up in bed when I went in to check on her before prayers, saying she had a good night, and speaking without a slur. “The Miracle of the Brain” she said. Mswela thinks it might have been a small seizure. We had watched some of a news program on the topic of the brain the other night. Apparently there are not enough brain donations for scientists to do adequate research. Ruth said she was donating all her organs. Today’s readings are the Beatitudes. Love even, or particularly, when it is difficult, with no hope of reward. I found a new website. https://www.catholiccaregivers.com/
I put on a load of laundry, made soup from the juice pulp, sweet potatoes and shitake mushroom stalks, and took out the trash. Will try to get a bit of work done. At least yesterday I got my SDG papers in for the Stakeholder Group on Ageing. Now I am living the journey. Ruth fell again while I went down with the trash. It was my fault for leaving the bath seat in the way. Eve and I got her up.
Went to Mass at Mary Queen of Angels. Beautiful cathedral, nice enough service. Tentative sermon on non-violence by the deacon. Came home to find Max and Vanessa and the girls here enjoying themselves and Ruth holding court. It had been a successful outing to Karma’s. Max had brought some delicious octopus ceviche, and they liked my soup with smoked paprika. I had a nice talk with Pablo and Dede and will call the other boys. It is important to keep up family and friendship ties for caregiving to go well. Isolation would be a fearful thing.